One of the most heart-wrenching moments in Forrest Gump was when Jenny escaped to the field and started praying to God to take her away to another place. It could only be alluded what was going on then, as the remnants of her past life still haunting her psyche, were revealed near the end as she revisited it as an adult. How many people have ever been in Jenny’s place—just wanting to escape this cruel unfair world? It’s one thing for an innocent child, so resilient, they are propelled to overcome trauma. Yet, it’s a different dynamic as a GOOD ADULT CITIZEN. You know the profile: has a lot of friends, attractive, hard working, empathetic, maybe shrow some bonus character points and a high IQ cherry on top. The strong formidables to outsiders—but, oh the deceit of such optics. People like us don’t have the bandwidth to put up with the layers of crud layered one on top of the other, sometimes over years. It’s so excruciating. It’s almost…..it’s almost like it’s not worth going on much longer.
I know I‘m speaking from someone who has accomplished a lot and is beloved by many but, I, too, get thoughts of harming my self. On and off for the past couple years I've faced an existential crisis. It is caused by my not fulfilling a deep desire within myself and that is simply this: to be known by a man, to be married already, to have children, to be notable in the art world. It’s the hardest thing in the world for someone like me with with so much love to give to not be seen or known intimately by a man in marriage—and I’m 35. Ask my friends and framily—I’ve made all the right moves in life. That’s a fact. It’s almost silent gaslighting by the world when I have yet to see any major return on all the labor and soul I have put into my art career and I still feel invisible in it. I feel just as invisible in the man department, too. Not that men don’t see me, admire me or wish to be with me but that the RIGHT one for me (one is not married, does not have a girlfriend and who is single and EMOTIONALLY available) has not shown up yet. It’s eating me away inside. I don’t have the energy and sparkle I had in my mid 20s to put myself out there like I used to—and even that didn’t yield a return, so, what about now when I’ve turned a new leaf on how much energy I am willing to put out into the world? Is there any hope now?
I get why people want to harm themselves—it is often the most accomplished and beloved people, too. In my case it’s the confusion of the world that is painful and senseless, especially when I’ve put so much on the table. I’d rather feel real pain because that would actually make more sense for my logical brain to process, so I imagine me hurting myself in different ways. I could never go that distance, though. I still hold myself in high regard inside and know that God created me with a purpose—even though its been painful in the my maternal and love desires to go without being fed all these years. I thought I would be a somebody in the art world by now or be married—whichever came first—but I am neither. I feel like a success inside but a failure on the outside—or maybe visa versa depending on how you look at it. I don’t feel seen and with such a bright light to give the world I am utterly confused and have thoughts of not participating in this realm anymore.
I feel paralyzed inside and grief stricken for a life I always aspired to be in but has yet to transpire. In the words of that Whitney Houston song, “Where do broken hearts go?”……. I’m still searching. But we can’t end our lives with no chance of ever mending them—and breaking others who love us in the process. It’s like trying to solve hurt with more hurt. I wish I could give a solution to mend the pain while we still exist but as long as their is sin and comparison—the thief of joy—there will be pain in the world. I pray, cry, pray, cry, pray cry. That’s how I mediate my pain today. Surrendering over this earthly life to the mystical supernatural is the only light at the end of the tunnel for me. God rarely gives me direct answers to my cries, but he gives we peace in that moment and, like manna falling from Heaven, replenishes my depleted reserves of hope to get through another day…